How do you face the sudden news that a beloved editor has died? This February, Utsudo learned from her editor’s wife that the editor who had always looked after her had passed away the previous November. He had helped her realize many dreams and was a guiding light in her life. The news left her heartbroken—and arrived just as she learned her Ministry of Culture grant application hadn’t been approved. With friends by her side, she decided to dry her tears and keep moving forward, carrying his hopes with her.

Translated from Utsudo’s original Chinese column.

Sudden news of my editor’s death

This February, I suddenly received a message telling me that an editor who had taken great care of me had passed away.

The message came from the editor’s wife, whom I had never met.

Between the lines, I could sense her regret and grief.

He had actually passed away last November, but I only just received the news. The family must have still been working through their emotions and thoughts, so they didn’t immediately inform everyone in his contacts.

When I received the message, I froze for a long time. Tears slid down and fell on my phone.

A guiding light in my life

So many memories of our time together came to mind: the books we published together, the dreams we talked about. I remember him taking me to a butler café up north—I was too shy to go in, and he gave me the courage.

He often made my dreams come true and taught me many rules and gave me advice. He was like a guiding light in my life, giving me new direction whenever I was lost. We had promised to build dreams together again once his health improved; now that promise can only drift away on the wind.

Memories keep surfacing. Months have passed, but I still feel the loss and it doesn’t even feel real. I can’t believe someone so gentle and kind left so soon.

At the end of March this year, I planned a trip up north and thought I might pay my respects, tell him how grateful I am and see him off. But his wife said he was buried in a family cemetery on a mountain with a rough road, which would be difficult in many ways. So I can only remember him in my heart.

When it rains, it pours

When I heard the news, I was bitter and indignant. What kind of Year of the Rabbit is this? Yesterday I learned my Ministry of Culture youth grant wasn’t approved, and today I hear of my editor’s death. So much for a year of great achievements—it started off so badly, with nothing but unhappy news.

A friend comforted me, saying the grant list was probably decided last year, and my editor passed away in November, so the bad things actually belonged to last year, not this one. That seems to make sense (?

Wiping my tears and moving forward

I still have friends by my side. I’m no longer alone.

Thank you for everything you did to help me. I will keep it in my heart.

I hope that when we meet again someday, I can tell him the story of my own adventures. Until then, I’ll carry the hopes he placed in me and keep working hard on this path.

Now I must wipe away my tears and keep moving forward.

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Further reading

• Previous: Hey! I Heard You’re a Writer on Ghost Island #179: Does 18+ Content Expand Your Market or Limit It?
• Start from the beginning: Hey! I Heard You’re a Writer on Ghost Island #01: Utsudo’s Debut — A Road to the Dream Covered in Frost
• Utsudo’s books

About the author

Utsudo is a Taiwanese light novelist and novelist VTuber with more than ten years in the industry and 40 commercially published print books. Her novel 《遺失的情書》 received a 2022 Ministry of Culture youth creative award. The 《嘿！聽說妳在鬼島當作家》 series records her experiences as a novelist in Taiwan.