Translated from Utsudo’s original Chinese column.

How does a writer who fears the stage prepare for a talk?Utsudo has been afraid of going on stage since childhood; in school she got through by memorizing her script and “shutting down.” As a writer, she has to face talks and sharing sessions, so she prepares thoroughly and anticipates surprises — yet she still gets nervous enough to skip content and can’t sleep the night before. She says she needs more practice.

My lifelong weak spot: going on stage

　　Frankly, my weak spot all my life has been speaking on stage. If at the start of a semester I knew I’d have to present at the end, I’d already be restless in every way — let alone what happened when I actually went up.

　　In school, I’d memorize my script until I knew it inside out, then shut down on stage — rattling it off like a machine and rebooting the moment it ended XD

　　You can get away with that for school presentations, but not when sharing experiences on stage. For one, you never know whether something unexpected will happen or someone will suddenly ask a question. If I just kept talking in shutdown mode, I think next time rumors would start that I’d hired a humanoid robot to stand in for me (?

　　Pfft, if I had that kind of spare cash, I’d first apply to go diving in the North Sea looking forjumbo scallops──

　　And without eye contact, droning on like chanting sutras would be pretty off-putting, right? In school I hated teachers who just read from the book, so I thought if I ever got the chance to go on stage, I’d try to make what I say more interesting, so the audience won’t doze off… ahem.

　　I used to think dozing off wouldn’t be noticed, but when I stood on stage I finally understood — whoa, you can see everyone at a glance. Soit’s not that the teacher didn’t notice — they just couldn’t be bothered XDDD

　　So don’t doze off in class! Like me, I spent class doodling in my textbook — the teacher probably thought I was diligently taking notes (guilt rising

　　Honestly, I don’t like drawing attention. When choosing a seat, I like the corner of a restaurant (a perfect 90-degree angle, very secure), and I don’t like crowded places. I’m basically a quiet kid who prefers small groups to big ones. I think I’m so low-key, yet teachers and classmates always inexplicably call on me (covers face

　　Uh, I guess I just look easy to pick on, huh Q口Q

　　In high school someone said I looked like a sheep… okay, pretty much every innocent-looking animal has been my nickname at some point in my life. Someone even said I looked like an anime mascot, like Kero from Cardcaptor Sakura (is that a compliment or an insult Orz)

　　I’m human, everyone!

　　Frankly, besides the dream, a big reason I chose to become a writer was that it would let me minimize direct contact with people. Little did I know that with the rise of technology, I’d not only have to meet more people but also speak on stage!


　　I thought I could creepily (?) hide behind my computer for life, sob.

　　But since I’m already on board the pirate ship, I can only slowly change myself for my dream.

　　I used to resist showing my face or any activity besides writing, but over time I’ve gradually compromised and started finding these experiments pretty fun. Looks like as I get older I’ve lost some things — like my sense of shame (X

　　But livestreams, recordings, speaking on stage and such still terrify me (tremble tremble tremble

Preparing for a talk, and the nerves

　　Likewise, I prepare thoroughly — even in my sleep I keep thinking about how to do it and what backup plans to have for surprises. Even so, I still get very nervous. I prepared a 30–40 minute script, but on stage it instantly shrank to about 30, because I left out a lot (covers face

　　Just pretending not to be nervous on stage already takes a lot of my energy. I definitely need more practice QQ. I really envy people who can speak eloquently on stage — they must have practiced a lot!

　　And I definitely sleep badly for a while beforehand — don’t even dream of sleeping the night before Orz

　　That’s how my sharing session at a New Taipei high school’s manga club on the 18th went. It wasn’t my first time on stage, and I kept telling myself I was ready, but I still felt something was lacking and kept thinking about how to do better right up until I went on.

　　Thanks to the many friends and family who encouraged me during those trembling days (?), especiallyRed Wife— our lively exchange of messages back then was such a comfort! I was also killed by cuteness and healed by gorgeous art. Rereading the messages before going on stage, it felt like having a companion beside me, and courage welled up.

　　There’s still so much to learn. I hope I can overcome these mental barriers soon QQ

　　Another day I’ll share some of what I talked about!

　　I think it should be somewhat helpful for newbies.

FAQ

Further reading (in Chinese)

• Previous: #32 (in Chinese)
• Next: #34 (in Chinese)
• Start from the beginning: #01 — Utsudo’s debut
• Column introduction
• Utsudo’s books

About the author

Utsudo is a Taiwanese light novelist and novelist VTuber with more than ten years in the industry and 40 commercially published print books. Her novel 《遺失的情書》 received a 2022 Ministry of Culture youth creative award. The 《嘿！聽說妳在鬼島當作家》 series records her experiences as a novelist in Taiwan.