Translated from Utsudo’s original Chinese column.

Do creators want their families to see their work?Utsudo admits her biggest fear is elders of her parents’ generation following her fan page and column, since she worries about being discussed at family gatherings and the awkwardness that brings. She appreciates her relatives’ support, but with personal writing like this, the closer someone is, the harder it is to open up.

My fan page, discovered by relatives

　　Frankly, I really don’t want my relatives to see this column or like my fan page… But I don’t know who in real life is so “helpfully” recommending it, or whether the algorithm is just that magical — they always find it (covers face

　　Peers or middle and high schoolers are fine, since they relate easily. What I fear most are elders around my parents’ age — it feels like performing juggling in front of them, uncomfortable and awkward in every way.

　　A relative once left a very “elder-ish” comment on my fan page, which made me super awkward… Now I can’t freelyact like an idiot

　　So basically I don’t share my work on the fan page, especially the Bahamut column… It’s more of an inner activity, I’m not good at showing it, and the closer someone is, the harder it is to open up. Rather than saving face, it’s more that I don’t want them to worry.

　　Though daring to throw yourself into the creative industry in this chaotic era is already something worth worrying about (X

The pressure of being discussed at family gatherings

　　Feeling awkward and uncomfortable is one reason;my goofing around gets seen too;and thinking they might discuss my posts over tea, or right at family gatherings I’m attending, puts a lot of pressure on me… This has happened several times, so I feel awkward whenever I run into them.

　　Yes, my face is super thin-skinned QQ

　　In plain terms, I like the thrill of getting up to mischief with nobody knowing (X

　　I’ve even wanted to block them, but if they found out I’d probably get an earful (covers face), and it also feels a bit too harsh… I’d also like to move these articles over there, but it looks like I’ll have to pick and choose — which is also why my videos skip around. Otherwise, writing some things out openly would be like standing in front of my relativescompletely naked— how could I ever face anyone again!!

　　I really want to tell them straight: please leave me alone! You watching me like this just makes me feel tied up. And don’t tell your kids I’m the voice of Tutuzi — though that’s already been said last time, at a dinner table of a dozen people (it probably doesn’t matter either way, since anyone who’s heard the voice could guess) — but in that moment I really wanted to crawl into a hole.

　　And watching without even liking — that’s an outrage to gods and men alike (X

Learning to adjust mentally

　　I’m grateful that they probably mean to support me; maybe I’m just not used to it yet. With plenty more chances to embarrass myself ahead, maybe I should learn to go numb — ahem, I mean, my mental adjustment still needs work.

　　I don’t know whether other creators have this problem, or if I’m too sensitive? My actual works are fine, though, since I’ve trained myself to the point where my works don’t have much to do with my own personality.

　　Do you let your family see your creative work?​​​​​​​

　　Or do you mind them following your fan page?

FAQ

Further reading (in Chinese)

• Previous: #31 (in Chinese)
• Next: #33 (in Chinese)
• Start from the beginning: #01 — Utsudo’s debut
• Column introduction
• Utsudo’s books

About the author

Utsudo is a Taiwanese light novelist and novelist VTuber with more than ten years in the industry and 40 commercially published print books. Her novel 《遺失的情書》 received a 2022 Ministry of Culture youth creative award. The 《嘿！聽說妳在鬼島當作家》 series records her experiences as a novelist in Taiwan.