Translated from Utsudo’s original Chinese column.

Do writers in Taiwan ever want to give up?Utsudo has watched many talented peers leave writing because of reality; in Taiwan, very few people can make writing their main job. But when a friend asked what she’d do if she gave up writing novels, all she could do was laugh sheepishly — she has never thought of giving up and only wants to write for the rest of her life.

The friends who chased dreams with me gradually left

　　Since I started writing novels, I’ve met many kindred spirits.

　　Besides authors like me who quietly keep their heads down, I’ve met some very ambitious or extremely talented people. The days spent talking about dreams with them were so much fun. I envied their popularity, but I also admired them from the bottom of my heart.

　　I remember a friend who was very popular online and wanted to finish a long work and submit it to a major publisher, but it fizzled out, and I haven’t seen him finish any long work since. I’ve also met someone who wanted to change Taiwan’s whole culture and reshape the publishing ecosystem through their work, but lost heart after rejection after rejection. And I’ve seen people who were great at promoting themselves and made no secret of their ambitions, who ended up quietly vanishing from the literary scene…

　　As time passed, perhaps people finally saw the writing profession for what it really is, or perhaps they compromised with reality — more and more decided to leave, some never writing novels again and moving into other fields.

　　Looking back, the companions who once stood shoulder to shoulder with me have dwindled to a handful without my noticing.

　　Then, once we reached working age, even more gave up.

　　They still have a passion for writing, but to make ends meet, most can only write in their spare time. A single book takes years, and some gradually forget their dreams… whenever it comes up, all that’s left is a nostalgic smile.

How hard it is to be a writer in Taiwan

　　Honestly, in Taiwan, being a writer really is a very tough profession… Especially people who can make it their main job are few and far between. The vast majority do it part-time, keeping their dreams burning.

　　Reality is like wall after thick wall, standing firmly in the path of dreams, covered in spikes and stretching on with no end in sight. Without others’ support or steely determination, it’s hard to find the courage to take on the challenge.

　　Looking back now, where did I — a student who’d achieved nothing besides landing a contract — get the courage to take on this tower of trials?

　　I guess it’s what they call a newborn calf not fearing the tiger? (Now I’m an “old calf,” ahem)

　　No connections, no popularity, no luck — the “triple nothing” me (sounds totally cool) has somehow drifted along for over a decade, writing on through sheer stubbornness. I don’t know if that deserves praise, since people my age have already achieved something in their careers, while I still haven’t had a big breakthrough and sometimes worry about running out of food.

“If you gave up writing novels, what would you do?”

　　A friend once asked me —If you gave up writing novels, what would you do?

　　All I could do was laugh sheepishly.

　　What can I say — I’ve never even thought about giving up.

　　More precisely, I just want to keep writing for the rest of my life. My lifestyle may change along the way, or I may make some concessions to reality, but when it comes to creating stories, there’s no way I’ll stop.

　　It’s one of the ways I record my life. If I ever really stopped, it would probably be when I could no longer type a single character.

　　At my answer, my friend’s expression held a subtle hint of pity.

　　Maybe he thought I was foolish? Or hopelessly stubborn?

　　Actually, I think so too. Giving up a better life to tap away at a computer day after day probably looks pretty foolish. But I can’t stop this unceasing feeling — what can I do XD

　　Me? I really want to keep climbing this high wall.

　　I want to know — is there a paradise of birdsong and flowers on the other side? Or what kind of sky?

　　How far can I get on my own strength? What views will I see?

　　Or maybe in this life I can only keep climbing until I lose my strength and fall. But whatever others think of me, I don’t want to regret my life — too many friends around me have already compromised with reality. I’m already luckier than most: I have the freedom to choose work I love, and in the end I’ve gained my family’s support and encouragement.

　　If even someone like me chose to give up, I’d truly have to wonder: are dreams a driving force that pushes people forward? Or a black hole that leaves only regret?

　　I’m not afraid of plain clothes and simple food, thinking twice before buying anything (I love browsing secondhand shops — it’s like digging for clams, hunting for treasure XD). I can’t get my hair done as often as other girls my age, I know nothing about designer brands, and I can probably forget about ever buying a home. But I do have some financial planning, and I’ll work hard to open up new possibilities so I won’t become a burden in old age.

　　I just want to live simply and keep creating.

　　I’m a nobody struggling on Ghost Island. In the world’s eyes, maybe I’m just a loser. But when I write the word “writer” in the occupation field,my conscience is clear。

FAQ

Further reading (in Chinese)

• Previous: #30 (in Chinese)
• Next: #32 (in Chinese)
• Start from the beginning: #01 — Utsudo’s debut
• Column introduction
• Utsudo’s books

About the author

Utsudo is a Taiwanese light novelist and novelist VTuber with more than ten years in the industry and 40 commercially published print books. Her novel 《遺失的情書》 received a 2022 Ministry of Culture youth creative award. The 《嘿！聽說妳在鬼島當作家》 series records her experiences as a novelist in Taiwan.