Why did Utsudo start writing in earnest?When she was seventeen and about to take her university entrance exams, Utsudo’s mother passed away from an illness. From that day on, many thoughts and feelings began welling up in her mind, and for the first time she seriously wanted to write everything down and record it all. She wonders whether it was because her mother placed her hopes in her that she has kept writing for over a decade.

Translated from Utsudo’s original Chinese column.

The year I turned seventeen, my mother passed away

　　When I was seventeen and about to face my university entrance exams, my mother left me forever.

　　She was ill, and by the time it was discovered it was already too late. After six months of suffering, she passed away.

　　Back then I was still naive and dreamy. I never thought such a tragedy could happen to me, and I foolishly believed that after treatment, Mom would soon come home with us… So when I came home from school one day and saw Mom brought home with only a breath left, the furniture moved aside to leave a large empty space, for a moment I thought I was having a nightmare.

　　The time of death was written down, and that night I tossed and turned, unable to sleep.

　　It felt so unreal…

　　Like a dream.

　　But reality twisted, and the arc of the dream blurred…

　　Back then, in a daze, I followed the elders in my family preparing for the funeral. Day after day, as if under some spell, I kept folding paper lotus flowers.

　　As if collecting enough paper lotuses would bring about a miracle… But sadly, in this world, miracles really don’t exist.

I began writing in earnest, wanting to write everything down

　　From that day on, I, who used to fall asleep so easily, found my thoughts racing — so many ideas, so many feelings, like bubbles in boiling water, filling my mind as if someone had implanted a program in me.

　　I began sleeping lightly, my emotions erupted, and I desperately wanted to write down all the words and feelings crammed into my thoughts.

　　I used to write novels before too, but I had never wanted so seriously to write, to record everything, as I did then —

My mother’s influence on me

　　My mother also loved Japanese. I remember that when I was very young, she taught my sister and me the Japanese syllabary. I think there’s a good chance my later interest in Japanese came from her quiet influence.

　　Her handwriting was beautiful and elegant, and she loved writing things by hand.

　　She also loved nature, animals and plants. When we were little she often took us exploring outdoors, and we learned about many flowers, herbs and wild fruits… As kids we’d even go to an herb garden to pick plants and taste the new dishes they served from time to time.

　　I heard she also loved recording things. I wonderif she ever dreamed of becoming a writer too?

　　I’ve wondered whether it was because she placed her hopes in me that, from the day she left, I suddenly found inspiration to write… and have kept writing for over a decade since. That I can still keep moving in the direction I hope for may be thanks to her.

　　Even though the environment isn’t kind to creators, I’ll keep doing my best. I hope that one day I can make you proud up there in heaven.

－－－－

　　And you, who love creating — is there something that got you started?

FAQ

Further reading (in Chinese)

• Previous: #38 (in Chinese)
• Next: #40 (in Chinese)
• Start from the beginning: #01 — Utsudo’s debut
• Column introduction
• Utsudo’s books

About the author

Utsudo is a Taiwanese light novelist and novelist VTuber with more than ten years in the industry and 40 commercially published print books. Her novel 《遺失的情書》 received a 2022 Ministry of Culture youth creative award. The 《嘿！聽說妳在鬼島當作家》 series records her experiences as a novelist in Taiwan.

📚 More on this topic: Writing Mindset & a Writer’s Life: Ghost Island Column Guide