What should you do if you think you might have depression? After a family crisis sent her emotions into collapse, Utsudo endured more than ten days without seeing any hope before quickly visiting a psychiatric clinic; by her third day on medication she felt noticeably better. She shares that depression is an illness, not overthinking or weakness. If you’ve been stuck in a negative spiral for a long time and have lost interest in things you love, consider making an appointment with a psychiatrist, stay away from people who don’t understand you, and turn to those willing to truly help.

Translated from Utsudo’s original Chinese column.

Starting to see a psychiatrist

Because of a recent situation at home, my already anxious mind finally couldn’t take it anymore, and I started taking psychiatric medication.

Because I sought help from a doctor quickly, the doctor prescribed very little after the diagnosis—just two kinds taken before bed, one and a half pills in total.

The ten-plus days before seeing a doctor

What I want to share is the hellish ten-plus days I went through before seeing a doctor—the symptoms of what’s called depression, and the treatment.

I couldn’t see any hope, shrouded in darkness and despair. My chest felt heavy and it was hard to breathe. My mind was filled only with extremely pessimistic thoughts, imagining the unknown future as a monster that would crush every hope. I couldn’t escape or bear it, and could only let despair swallow me.

You may think that description is exaggerated, but that’s truly how I felt at the time.

This is one of the typical symptoms of depression: you can’t see hope or the hands others reach out to you. You feel alone and hopeless, with a heavy future pressing down on you, and apart from death, you can’t see a way out.

Depression is an illness

Depression is an illness. The brain chemicals related to emotion fall out of balance, plunging the person into excessive despair. At that point any advice is hard to take in, and you can’t muster the energy for even slightly positive thoughts or to take any initiative.

People who don’t understand depression may not consider it an illness and may even lecture you, but that only makes people with depression feel worse.

But methods or advice with “concrete steps” are better—they can even help me feel a little more grounded. So seeking help from the right people is very important.

Stay away from people who think you’re just overthinking or weak, or who even lose their temper with you, because they won’t understand you. Find people willing to truly help and stay with you. But please be sure to see a doctor too, and work to relieve these emotions yourself. That way you’ll recover faster.

Be brave enough to ask for help and accept it

By the third day on medication, I felt clearly much better. Although at my follow-up seven days later, the doctor said I was only about 30–40% better. I can’t imagine how long people who delay seeing a doctor endure such pain…

I’m writing this in the hope that if you often fall into negative spirals and have lost interest in the things you love for some time, you might consider making an appointment at a psychiatric or mental health clinic. Don’t think seeing a psychiatrist is shameful or strange.

Sometimes you need to know how to ask for help, accept it and admit your vulnerability.

Besides my family and friends, I’m also grateful to the fans who encouraged me. It really warmed my heart.

I’ll keep going, and I hope that if you’re caught in depression, you can bravely take a step forward too.

FAQ

Further reading

• Previous: Hey! I Heard You’re a Writer on Ghost Island #154: Is a Bigger Publisher Always Better?
• Start from the beginning: Hey! I Heard You’re a Writer on Ghost Island #01: Utsudo’s Debut — A Road to the Dream Covered in Frost
• Utsudo’s books

About the author

Utsudo is a Taiwanese light novelist and novelist VTuber with more than ten years in the industry and 40 commercially published print books. Her novel 《遺失的情書》 received a 2022 Ministry of Culture youth creative award. The 《嘿！聽說妳在鬼島當作家》 series records her experiences as a novelist in Taiwan.