What is the price of growing up? Running around alone to apply for long-term care and medical resources for her father, Utsudo realized with each signature that their roles had reversed: responsibilities her parents once shouldered as a matter of course had now fallen to her. She admits part of her still resists growing up and she’s often too anxious to sleep, but tomorrow still comes and things still have to be dealt with. With friends and family by her side, she decided to be strong and share her experience with those who need it.

Translated from Utsudo’s original Chinese column.

Running around for my father’s long-term care

I’ve really been feeling this lately.

Recently, to apply for long-term care and related medical resources for my father, I’ve been running all over, hearing lots of “what I should do” and “what to do next,” then endlessly signing, filling out forms and running around to submit documents to various departments.

Since I’m the only one at home, I have to shoulder all of it. While signing, my father sat beside me. In the past, when we were together, it was always my father who signed. Now I’m the one signing, and it feels like a changing of the guard.

After signing a few times, it sank in more and more deeply: now that Dad is old, I have so many responsibilities to take on. Maybe when I was little, Dad also ran around for us, listened to all sorts of “instructions” and carried the responsibilities on his shoulders.

Roles reversed: I became the adult who carries the load

I used to think it was only natural for parents to shoulder responsibility. Without my noticing, our roles reversed. I became the adult in charge of everything at home and must bear the responsibility. It isn’t easy, but time forced me to grow up, and I had no choice but to take it on.

Actually, I still haven’t adjusted, so I often feel stressed and frustrated. People have told me I shouldn’t carry everything alone, but I want to ask: if I don’t, who will?

I know I should accept my lot, but part of me still resists growing up. That “willful” child throws tantrums now and then, making me lament why this happened to me, why I have to carry this earlier than others my age, why my sister abroad doesn’t have to…

It’s hard to feel balanced inside, and sometimes I’m so anxious I can’t sleep.

Reason versus emotion

But I can’t stay sunk in negative emotions forever. No matter how much I resist or want to escape, tomorrow still comes and things still need to be dealt with. Since I can’t escape, all I can do is try to adjust and change my mindset to face it.

My reason knows I should do this, but my emotions keep holding me back, leaving me feeling powerless. I don’t dare imagine too much about the future—maybe out of fear, or maybe avoidance—but I can only take careful steps and work to carve out a path forward bit by bit.

Grateful to the friends and family by my side

Luckily, things have gradually stabilized. I think I can keep creating and write about my experience to share with people who may need help later. I can also keep filming fiction-related videos—returning to familiar territory is something to be happy about.

I’m truly grateful to the friends and family who helped and encouraged me. When I was vulnerable, without your company I really don’t know how I would have processed all that gloom and frustration. I never dreamed that the livestreams I started on a whim would become a pillar holding me up.

Thank you so much QQ

The road ahead is hard, but I’ll be strong.

A note about Ghost Island’s update schedule

It feels like there’s been a lot of negative energy lately—even writing Ghost Island has felt like a struggle.

Readers who follow along may have noticed that I used to post every Wednesday, but it’s become a bit irregular, especially new chapters. With so much going on and me running around, I sometimes miss things and post them later.

Since I have to double-check every update before publishing, if I can’t find the time, I have to delay by a few days. I usually post the missing chapter before the next update so the locked chapters stay within ten.

Things haven’t improved much lately, but I seem to be adjusting to this rhythm, which in a way is a good thing, right?

But if possible, I really wish I could relax for a while…

But now doesn’t seem like the time to be willful. I have to keep going.

FAQ

Further reading

• Previous: Hey! I Heard You’re a Writer on Ghost Island #208: Private Commission Requests
• Start from the beginning: Hey! I Heard You’re a Writer on Ghost Island #01: Utsudo’s Debut — A Road to the Dream Covered in Frost
• Utsudo’s books

About the author

Utsudo is a Taiwanese light novelist and novelist VTuber with more than ten years in the industry and 40 commercially published print books. Her novel 《遺失的情書》 received a 2022 Ministry of Culture youth creative award. The 《嘿！聽說妳在鬼島當作家》 series records her experiences as a novelist in Taiwan.