What should you do when you hit a low point chasing your dream of being a writer?When Utsudo graduated from college, her book was shelved by a publisher and translation work was scarce, so she got by on part-time jobs while facing her relatives’ scorn. She gave herself six months to bet on her dream and made it through that dead end. Every word she typed and every tear she shed back then, she says, made her who she is today.

Translated from Utsudo’s original Chinese column.

Graduating from college, torn between dream and reality

　　I remember that when I graduated from college, I was struggling between my dream and reality.

　　My book was still being shelved by the publisher, but because it was my number-one publisher, I still firmly believed it would come out and waited patiently. I’d hoped to at least publish during college, so I’d have some achievement to convince my family I could try this career.

　　Also, some things happened in college that made me a bit afraid of dealing with coworkers in the workplace. If possible, I wanted work I could do independently — otherwise my mood would swing too much from interpersonal stuff, and it would exhaust me. 

　　I’ll share what happened in college another time.

　　Sadly, the chance I longed for never came, so I set it aside and started revising another long work, 《御宅魔法師》 — a sprawling seven hundred thousand characters or so… revising it took quite a while. 

　　During this time, I posted my résumé on some freelance sites, hoping to pick up Chinese–English–Japanese translation jobs so I could revise while freelancing. Along the way I signed with a few translation agencies, but I got assignments far less often than I’d imagined (stares into the distance)

　　In the end, most of my jobs came through friends’ referrals — and paid much better XD

　　I also took on jobs continuing other people’s novels, adapting scripts into novels, writing stories for game characters, co-writing and more — but those are other stories for another time.

　　I remember those days: not knowing whether my manuscripts would be accepted, with few translation jobs, I ended up working part-time. I felt miserable every day, but I didn’t want to give up on my dream. I wanted to go all in, and told myself I’d struggle for at least six months — if nothing came of it, I’d obediently find a full-time job (the original plan had been to freelance while writing books, as a SOHO worker).

Facing my relatives’ cold stares and doubts

 　　During that time, I didn’t want to go out or visit friends and relatives, because whenever we met, they’d ask, “So what are you doing now?”

 　　And relatives were worse. When I couldn’t answer, that contemptuous look and long silence — I will never forget it, and I must never forget it.

　　Yes — the look you give garbage.

　　I didn’t bother saying anything; I just silently let them decide my life with their words — why don’t you become a secretary? I hear translation is good too? I hear a certain ironworks needs an accountant — want me to put in a word for you?

 　　Honestly, I’ve never been good with numbers in my life — why would they want to throw me into accounting? Not earning a salary would be one thing, but if I ended up losing money, that wouldn’t be fun XD

 　　And when I didn’t react, their looks got even worse, heh.

　　To be honest, I didn’t know what I was doing either. I’d had good grades and was a model student — how did I end up a shut-in after graduation? Maybe in their eyes I was running from reality and avoiding hardship. But how could they know how much time, energy and stamina it takes to finish a novel, and the perseverance needed to face tedious revisions?

　　And doing this over and over again to finish story after story — it’s such hard work.

　　In their eyes, anything that doesn’t earn (big) money is just goofing off, right?

　　I actually understand how they felt. When someone with no results to show says they want to chase a dream, it’s hard to be convinced. But if the publisher won’t publish, there’s nothing I can do.

　　Back then I felt isolated, as if the whole world were my enemy. Even I began to doubt myself — was I really wrong? Does wanting to take a different path from everyone else mean you’re destined to face so many cold stares?

 　　And do I really have talent?

 　　Or is it all just an illusion?

 　　Back then, everyone thought I couldn’t do it, but I stubbornly refused to give up.

 　　Where did the courage come from? I don’t know.

Giving myself six months to bet on my dream of being a writer

 　　I was surrounded by successful role models, which only added to the pressure. I used that time to bet on my dream: if no other publisher signed me within six months, I would resolutely give up, stop dreaming such impractical dreams, and accept that you can’t eat dreams.

　　But during this time, please let me be selfish just once.

　　Back then it felt like walking through a long, dark tunnel so black you couldn’t see your own hand. I groped forward alone, falling and hitting walls, with no one to lend a hand — because I brought it on myself. I deserved it. Stupid.

 　　My friends couldn’t help either (they probably thought I was possessed to be so stubborn XD). My tears flowed and dried, dried and flowed, until I couldn’t cry anymore and just kept my head down and worked. The stress made me sick often; my record was a dermatology visit where my immunity was so low the doctor prescribed ten medications at once… Taiwan’s national health insurance really is a bargain (kidding).

 　　Every word I typed and every tear I shed back then made me who I am today.

　　In those utterly bleak days, strangely, a voice deep inside kept telling me never to give up — but it never told me how long I’d have to hold on.

 　　Boo hoo, next time you send a premonition, please include the date, so I can at least do a countdown to relieve the stress (X

To my past self

　　Looking back now, it’s really incredible. Maybe that voice came from my future self, or maybe there really is some mysterious power. I also admire my past self — where did she find the confidence to keep going? But I’m truly grateful to her for making it through such a dead end.

　　I want to pat my past self on the head and give her a big hug.

　　Thank you for making me who I am. I’m doing pretty well now, you know.

　　By the way, I still hit walls and feel lost just as often, but I clearly know I’m truly moving forward on this rough road of dreams — and that’s all thanks to you.

　　Because you got through the most agonizing low, I can see the view I see now. I’m still somewhere in the middle, but the air is definitely much fresher than when I was wandering at the bottom. I have many new companions and friends, connections with many publishers, and sometimes I even overhear people talking about me. Compared with before, I think I’m a bit more visible now?　

　　I know better than anyone how strong your determination to chase your dream is, you in that parallel world — and I understand your loneliness and sadness too. You always worked so hard on your own. Thank you for everything you went through.

 　　Don’t worry, I won’t forget those days. My heart is always with you.
　　 It’s okay to fall — just get back up.
　　It’s okay to cry — just don’t forget how to smile.
　　I’m right here beside you. You’re not alone.
　　Hold on one more day, one more book, okay?
　　You’ll see it — the most beautiful rainbow in the blue sky after the clouds clear.
　　Lift your head and give me a big smile!

FAQ

Further reading (in Chinese)

• Previous: #04 (in Chinese)
• Next: #06 (in Chinese)
• Start from the beginning: #01 — Utsudo’s debut
• Column introduction
• Utsudo’s books

About the author

Utsudo is a Taiwanese light novelist and novelist VTuber with more than ten years in the industry and 40 commercially published print books. Her novel 《遺失的情書》 received a 2022 Ministry of Culture youth creative award. The 《嘿！聽說妳在鬼島當作家》 series records her experiences as a novelist in Taiwan.

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