What should you do when someone emotionally blackmails you? Emotional blackmail uses other people’s guilt and sympathy to get what you want, and over time it only makes the other person stressed and eager to escape. Utsudo suggests trying to guide the other person to say what they really think, or calmly explaining that you don’t like this way of communicating. If that doesn’t work and they don’t see a problem, keep firm boundaries for yourself so you don’t burn out.

Translated from Utsudo’s original Chinese column.

This term has been popular lately, so I’m sure it’s familiar to everyone.

Today I want to talk about it. It may not relate directly to writing, but creators tend to be sensitive people who overthink, which makes us more attuned to others’ emotions—and more likely to become victims of emotional blackmail.

Some people may have become habitual emotional blackmailers without even realizing it.

What is emotional blackmail?

Have you ever had someone close to you bury what they want to say again and again, taking countless detours until you can’t understand them at all—or even use cutting words or negative tactics to push you into doing things you don’t want to do?

This may be effective and get results quickly. But exploiting people’s guilt and sympathy only builds stress and resentment over time, until they just want to get away. Then the blackmailer escalates, creating a vicious cycle that eventually drives both sides apart.

Is that really what you want?

The stress of being emotionally blackmailed

I’ve met people who were very good at emotional blackmail, and it was really stressful QQ

I kept worrying about their feelings, tried to communicate gently and endured their blackmail again and again. Eventually I was exhausted in body and mind, and they didn’t change.

I don’t think they necessarily do it with some goal in mind. Maybe they just don’t know how to express themselves properly. But if only one side gives in, it doesn’t help at all. Over time, they’ll probably notice that people never stay around them for long.

That must feel really unsettling. They don’t want things to turn out this way and try to avoid it, yet they’re gradually swallowed by the black hole inside them. Desperate to hold on to the people around them, they express themselves the wrong way and push those people away, repeatedly ending up with “the more I fear being abandoned, the lonelier I become.”

In the end, it’s a tragedy.

What to do about emotional blackmail

If you’re the one who often feels upset from being blackmailed, you can think about how to guide them to say what they truly feel, or calmly explain that you don’t like the current way of communicating and give them time to adjust. If it goes well, the relationship may become more harmonious.

But if communication doesn’t work, or they don’t think they have a problem at all, I suggest keeping a firm line of defense for yourself as much as possible.

After all, people like this are like a bottomless pit. No matter how much care you pour in, it’s useless, and sometimes they demand even more. In the long run, your mind can’t bear the load and you’ll eventually collapse.

Invisible pressure hurts the most

People today are under a lot of pressure, with many complicated things to worry about. Even the strongest person can’t withstand endless demands like this.

Don’t say emotional blackmail isn’t as bad as being robbed or physically hurt—sometimes invisible pressure is what hurts most. Don’t treat the important people around you the wrong way, or sooner or later they’ll run—and they’ll run like they’re flying (X

FAQ

Further reading

• Previous: Hey! I Heard You’re a Writer on Ghost Island: 2021 in Review—Thank You, What a Year
• Start from the beginning: Hey! I Heard You’re a Writer on Ghost Island #01: Utsudo’s Debut — A Road to the Dream Covered in Frost
• Utsudo’s books

About the author

Utsudo is a Taiwanese light novelist and novelist VTuber with more than ten years in the industry and 40 commercially published print books. Her novel 《遺失的情書》 received a 2022 Ministry of Culture youth creative award. The 《嘿！聽說妳在鬼島當作家》 series records her experiences as a novelist in Taiwan.