Why is everyone a beginner in life? Life is a one-way road, and when sudden storms hit, it’s often everyone’s “first time”—no matter how old they are, they may not know how to face it. After Utsudo’s father was diagnosed with dementia, both father and daughter were beginners and sank into a negative spiral together. Only when she accepted the reality with a softer heart and reexamined their relationship did her father’s depression improve and her passion for life return.

Translated from Utsudo’s original Chinese column.

Life is a one-way road

This is something I’ve been feeling lately.

Life is a one-way road. Whether you live gloriously or in hardship, that doesn’t change—we keep moving toward the end of life. Along this journey we face many challenges, and whether we handle them well or poorly, and however we feel in the moment, they all pass with time.

No matter how old you are, or how old the people around you are, when life’s sudden storms hit, it’s often the “first time” for everyone. Some deal with it seriously, some choose to escape, and some are crushed by the sudden bad news. Not everyone can patiently solve things step by step, and on impulse, people sometimes make rash decisions.

They may be older than you, but that doesn’t mean everyone can calmly handle similar situations or knows to seek help. Yet we usually find it hard to forgive “adults” for making mistakes, believing “adults” should be able to handle things.

For example, on life’s long journey, some people have car accidents, some suddenly lose family members, some lose a leg at a young age… These storms usually come without warning. Some adapt over time and become positive and optimistic; others never recover.

Plain everyday life is most precious

People often say the weather is unpredictable. A few years ago I couldn’t understand that feeling, but after my family went through some things, I realized how precious “plain, uneventful everyday life” really is. Yet people are used to treasuring things only after losing them—me included.

Sometimes we blame new mothers who don’t raise their children well, or condemn people in the news who kill their families and then themselves as selfish. But often we don’t truly understand their suffering. If we remember that “it was their first time too,” facing such a hard challenge, lost and helpless, maybe we can be more tolerant of those who make mistakes.

When we make mistakes, we always hope for others’ understanding. Isn’t it the same for everyone else?

Facing dementia, we’re all beginners at life

For example, when my father got dementia, he was discouraged and scared. He once shut himself in his room all day, ate only a few bites, and lay in bed depressed.

Whether it was him, facing this illness for the first time, or me, facing a family member with it, we both had to learn to face it, find ways to adjust and strike a new balance.

That’s the rational view, though. In the process, I often felt depressed, resentful and miserable, lamenting why my father had to get this disease, why I was the only one holding things together, why I had to shoulder everything so young.

The result of all that lamenting was that two “beginners” sank into a negative spiral together, both feeling helpless and sad—which didn’t help the illness or reality at all.

Accepting reality with a softer heart

Until I finally figured it out: I accepted what had happened with a softer heart, reexamined my relationship with my father, and thought clearly about what I could do to make things better for both of us—signing him up for day care and respite services, and also changing my mindset to spend more time with him and talk with him more.

As a result, my father’s depression improved a lot and he regained part of his life. And by facing and accepting all this, I was no longer consumed by negative comparisons and became much more optimistic.

Our relationship softened too. I found my passion and motivation for life again and can keep moving toward the future.

When facing life’s storms, we may be knocked down by sudden events, but that doesn’t mean we can’t get back up. If you’re feeling confused or lost too, I hope you can look at things from a different angle—you may find a new direction and redefine yourself.

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Further reading

• Previous: Hey! I Heard You’re a Writer on Ghost Island #206: Don’t Worry About Things So Far Ahead
• Start from the beginning: Hey! I Heard You’re a Writer on Ghost Island #01: Utsudo’s Debut — A Road to the Dream Covered in Frost
• Utsudo’s books

About the author

Utsudo is a Taiwanese light novelist and novelist VTuber with more than ten years in the industry and 40 commercially published print books. Her novel 《遺失的情書》 received a 2022 Ministry of Culture youth creative award. The 《嘿！聽說妳在鬼島當作家》 series records her experiences as a novelist in Taiwan.